<p>Ash.&nbsp; What can be said about him that hasn't already been done?</p>
<p>While I have long believed that the "Ash as the King of All Super-Badass Movie Anti-Heroes" theory has slowly been beaten into the ground over the past decade or so, the fact remains that you absolutely cannot have a moderately-credible list of the biggest badasses of all time and not include this undead-slaughtering assbeater and star of the <em>Evil Dead</em> trilogy.&nbsp; So instead of rehashing the dead horse's revisited corpse and mentioning all the reasons that Ash kicks ass (they should be obvious to anyone who's seen the movies -- the sawed-off double-barreled shotgun, the chainsaw hand, the sarcastic hard-as-fuck one-liners), I'll present to you a theory that originated with my fiance&eacute;'s ex-boyfriend's former roommate, but that I believe absolutely holds true.</p>
<p>The theory is that any sort of physically impossible event occurring in <em>Army of Darkness</em> or <em>Evil Dead 2</em> can be completely rationalized in an intelligent and logical manner.&nbsp; The explanation?</p>
<p>Because he's Ash.</p>
<p>How can he chop off his infected hand with a chainsaw and not only withstanding passing out from the pain or the system shock, but go on to spend the next half-hour locked in mortal combat with the now-autonomous severed hand?</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>Because he's Ash.</p>
<p>Why can he slaughter a beautiful woman's sole surviving family member, be a complete dick to her when she tries to make amends with him and then still have her fall madly in love with him simply by saying, "Gimme some sugar baby"?</p>
<p>Because he's Ash.</p>
<p>How was he possibly able to shoot an undead zombie hag right between the eyes with a sawed-off shotgun from fifteen yards away by resting the gun on his shoulder and firing backwards over his head?</p>
<p>Because he's Ash.</p>
<p>How is it that his belt managed to whip around a moving chain in a perfect knot strong enough to simultaneously support the weight of a fully grown man and a zombie creature while lifting him to safety above?</p>
<p>Because it's Ash's belt.</p>
<p>The fact is that you can't hold Ash to the same standard that you hold mere mortals to.&nbsp; He is not only just a complete and total badass;&nbsp; He is the standard by which all future badasses will be measured.&nbsp; So if he wants to jump onto a department store trampoline and fire fifteen perfectly-aimed shotgun shells in rapid succession while soaring twenty feet in the air, he can do it.&nbsp; You and I can't; but you and I are also not Ash.&nbsp; And while it may seem impossible for do the things that he does and kick as much ass as he is famous for doing, I assure you that it isn't.&nbsp; Why, you ask?&nbsp; Simple.</p>
<p>Because he's Ash.</p>